what to do when life sucks
Hi loves,
Over the past couple of years, I endured my own personal apocalypse.
Personal apocalypses are highly shocking and embarrassing, especially when one has a blog about transforming and making life increasingly awesome and finds herself feeling radically, hellishly not-so-awesome.
In the fall of 2017 I sunk to feeling lower than I've ever felt. The basic gist of it is this: After months of not talking, my mom died in a tragic car accident. The relationship I cherished more than anything (even though it our relationship sucked from time to time) ended incredibly fast. It happened in a heart beat. Because of everything that had transpired between us, and the level of drama we had reached - I felt tremendous shame about it ending and her being gone.
And not to be outdone, my dad also died that December.
I felt too awful to do anything (this was literally during the time that FXYWLF was created). For many weeks I felt too awful to do almost anything other than lay in bed, cry, hug my daughters, hug my husband, cry, pray, smoke weed and cry.
For the first time in my existence, I seriously contemplated how low I felt. I was extremely and completely depressed and I felt like nothing mattered, not even myself. I contemplated then what I really wanted in my life and my future (for myself, my husband and most importantly my girls) and that I realized that I needed to pull myself out of this dark night of the soul. Highly disturbed by my chain of thoughts, I made a hard bargain with the universe: "Show me how to get out of this hell of grief, pity, guilt, shame and misery and I will devote my life to also healing others from this kind of terrible pain."
And - well folks, don't you know - the universe held up its end of the bargain. Less than three years after the whole ordeal I feel fine - ready to swim in the streams of life, magic and increasing awesomeness once more. I'm glad to no longer be buried by misery, pity, shame, guilt and grief.
So as part of staying true to my end of the deal, I offer these suggestions for climbing out of your own hellish black hole of hot shame, if you happen to find yourself in one:
1. When life sucks, seek help.
When you've hit a rock bottom of hopelessness and despair, the idea of seeking help isn't all that inspiring. It seems pointless. You've fucked up (again!) and your crazy is irredeemable. No one can understand how much you're suffering. No one can fix you.
Except, what if they can? How do you know for sure? What proves it except that voice that says you're beyond help? That voice is itself part of the problem. Don't give in to it.
Therapists. Counselors. Astrologers. Medication. Tarot Readers. Friends. Twelve-step groups. Call them, go to them, take them as prescribed. Relentlessly. Refuse to give up on yourself.
To go through adversity successfully, we all need a support system.
Don’t try to go through life alone. If you don’t have a support system, create one. Start with your family, if they are no good (because no matter what devastating thing happens to you others can still be unknowing energy vampires, ignore your cry for help or even blame you!), seek out friends who are in the same position as you are. Having a good spouse also matters. In this case, I am extremely lucky and loved and mine has been here for me the whole time.
But that’s not the only thing. If you’re struggling, seek help from your co-workers or boss. And don’t be afraid to get therapy or speak with a life coach.
Too often, people feel too proud to ask for support. I’ll tell you this: No one on earth is strong enough to go through all adversity alone. Sure, you might be strong enough to deal with the challenges of life. But there always comes a time when things become “too much.”
That’s when you need help. When that time comes: Ask.
[[Let me know what you are going through at: fxywlf @ gmail.com]]
2. When life sucks tremendously, make the Bodhisattva vow.
Maybe life is too painful for you. You know who else it's too painful for? A f*ck ton of other people on this planet. Almost all sentient beings are overwhelmed by pain at some point.
The lucky ones who avoid abuse or poverty or heartbreak still grow old, grow sick, and die. Life is suffering, the Buddha observed thousands of years ago. And you've just come up against that fact.
So your pain gives you something deeply in common with everything else that's alive. Even if you're experiencing what feels like a uniquely low, humiliating and awful kind of pain - there's probably at least one other person on the planet right now who's experiencing the same awfulness.
Think about that one other person. You know exactly how she feels. You know the agony. Wouldn't you like to take that agony away and free her? Wouldn't you like to give your fellow being happiness and sanity?
If your answer is "yes" then you're at the threshold of one of the kindest and most healing thoughts you can put forth. Promise to yourself, "I will get past this pain, I will get happy and free again, and I will do everything in my power to give happiness and freedom to others who suffer from similar pain."
You may not feel an immediate in-rush of strength upon making this commitment. But the more you concentrate on it, the more will you channel into it, the more quickly you'll be guided to your recovery. The universe fervently supports and helps those who are willing to help others in magic, rapid and mysterious ways.
After you commit to being a force for healing, it's very likely that you'll be synchronistically guided to exactly the form of help that you need to get well. In my case, an important part of that help turned out to be something weird called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT).
3. When life sucks excessively, try EFT.
EFT involves tapping on various acupressure points on your face and body while saying affirmations about your problem. The affirmations are set up like this: "Even though [insert problem], I completely love, forgive and accept myself."
It totally doesn't seem like it should have any power to do anything. But - astoundingly - it does.
In one session of EFT I felt the giant miserable knot of pain that had kept me contorted for weeks simply unwind and fade away.
The sick, oppressive cloud of shame that had been completely distorting my perception and sense of everything important, just dissolved. I could think about what had happened with me and my mom - and not feel upset. I had no more time to think about my dad and guilt myself and wish we could’ve had more time together…
I felt like talking to people and laughing again. I felt complete love, compassion and forgiveness.
This. Was. Stunning.
It was as if the tapping had completely healed a broken circuit in my mind.
Apparently the theory goes that tapping does exactly that - it releases neuro-chemicals into your bloodstream that reprogram your emotional reaction to your problem as you're thinking about it.
Far out.
The tapping points are… Crown of the head / start of each eyebrow / side of each eye / underneath each eye / between nose & mouth / dent of chin / where collarbones meet / an inch below the nipple / an inch below the armpit.
Always, always, always drink lots of water before and after you tap. I often find that sometimes I finish tapping & feel like nothing has changed, but after I take a big chug of water (think at least 500mL), I feel things shifting. The best thing is to drink lots of water beforehand, though — it helps to lubricate the brain, as well as not leaving you so thirsty when you’re finished.
Tapping is also kind of like peeling an onion. You remove one problem which then reveals something deeper, which reveals something even more core. The best thing to do is just stick to it.
The crucial part of tapping is really where you say that you deeply love & accept & forgive yourself. Don’t leave this bit out! The basic formula for tapping a round is “Even though I ________, I deeply & completely love & accept myself. Even though I _______, I deeply & completely love & forgive myself.” If you’re not sure how to structure what you say beyond this, I would advise going with something like…
“(Drink water. Deep breath.) “Even though I _______________, I deeply & completely love & forgive myself. Even though I _______________ & it is driving me nuts, I deeply & completely love & accept myself anyway. Even though it makes me feel like _______________, I deeply & completely love & accept & forgive myself. Even though the idea of _______________ pains me, I choose to release this feeling. I choose to be able to _______________ in a state of bliss. Even though I _______________, I choose to let that go. I deeply & completely love & accept & forgive myself.” (Deep breath. Drink water.)”
Go ahead and check out these free EFT videos and tutorials over here. You're welcome.
4. When life sucks, connect with your body and breath.
One thing that helps me to reduce that frustration so I can move forward once again is to stop my thoughts from bouncing around in the past or a possible future by reconnecting with this moment.
Two of my favorite ways for doing that are to:
Focus on your breath. I sit down with closed eyes and then just focus on the air going in and out of my nose. I do that for 1-2 minutes while making sure that I take calm and slightly deep breathes than I usually do and I breathe with my stomach (and not my chest).
Focus on what is around you for 1-2 minutes. 5 things I see, 4 things I hear, 3 things I can feel, 2 things I can smell, 1 thing I can taste and that helps me re-ground myself.
By doing one of these things for just that tiny amount of time I calm down and it becomes easier to focus and to think clearly on what needs my focus again.
I'll probably have more to say soon about how I climbed out of the deep dark stinking well of horribly unbelievable pain and heartbreak — but in the meantime — have you had a personal apocalypse this year? I'd love to hear all about it in the comments section.
To let me know what you’re going through or ask questions to be answered on the site — please email fxywlf @ gmail.com. If you're experiencing a state of spiritual emergency lately, please know that I'm always available to talk.
Love,
Tara xx
MY LINKTREE
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